Abstinence crisis

I am wordless...I meet with people and I can stand a conversation, the people I talk with laugh and enjoy my stories...but there is no way for me to enjoy theirs...mine are about the past...and all of them are as informations...there is nothing personal in them...it is like talking about the tv shows or the latest sport results...
My very life started to be totally separated from the life I tell to people...yes becomes "I do not know" and the inner wishes I have are closed between me and my stubborness...but in the end everyday I am so tired, already in the morning I am so fucking done with the day...

life´s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

These word are at least five hundred years old...I know them by heart because my teacher of English Literature was, is, a marveillous person...and because Shakespeare is one of the few things this humanity should not throw away...ever...
...I find no peace with me...I feel too far away from the actual reality...I am not living in a confident way in this world...I feel twice a stranger here...and I would probably feel twice a stranger anywhere else...

it seems like people get the easiest way for a temporary pleasure...they know -or they could know if the thought about it - this pleasure will be full of troubles, side effects, complications and probably hurting as well (for them and for the people around them), but they do not want to get through unpleasant conversations, annoying situations (After all, they would look as small problems)...problems are forbidden, problems annoy this world, come on, why do you pose a problem...come on, jerk, take it easy...
...even if complications are sure, they are forbidden...if they come tomorrow, nobody gives a fuck...today is today, they think...and they have already forgotten about yesterday...
But tomorrow you are yourself, still...and you have to cope with yourself...the thing is that I feel I try to do it and I do not like myself when I do it, every single damned morning...

I always thought that the following sentence is an axiom for my personality: if you are not in peace wih yourself, you can´t be in peace with anybody
It is egoistic as much as this way of behaving I described few lines above, for sure...but at least there is right there, clear and written in big letters, this need for truth and understanding...
And obviously I thought I could totally explain myself with few persons, those I loved - in different ways, obviously, but still that was the point...
I am powerless because I failed so many times already that I have no wish to do that anylonger, probably...Ill keep the few I have and Ill try to find out the mistakes I made - for sure I did! - in order to change this point of view...
So, you see, I am still positive...I think about developments but since I do not see a lot of them, I am so scared of the final results...being positive is such a superficial idea, such a common assessment, such an empty word...I like better when people are crazy from the very beginning...but people, on the average, just drive you crazy for a while and then they throw you on the ground...like drugs...exactly the same...
This world will be fucked up by drugs...I drink a lot, sure...this post is probably a good example, unbedingt...but I am not addicted to that...probably.
....my personal drug has Name and Surname...but there is no dealer...just some other clients

it seems like I get the easiest way for lasting hurts...