I actually try my best when I feel like I am not so frightening with girls...twice I was successful with two girls who were probably too much forward to understand what was going on - the day after no memory or some confused flashes at best: the first was almost dead the day after - while the third time I realized this girl flirted with me a lot, and not just tonight, but she was actually coming out from a three years relationship with another girl...
I am definitely not close minded - maybe selfish - but I definitely want somebody just for me, only for me, something that I know I enjoy alone and deeply and as nobody else (theoretically)...still possible...?
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Mein erstes Girokonto!
I finally have my bank account...it is not such a big thing but I am very proud of it and I am sure I can just live out of myself for the next nine months at least...
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Thank you, Der Spiegel
It is not possible to read this article from this newspaper anylonger (thank you Noemi anyway)...the editor decided that it was too dumb or not enough politically correct...instead of it there is a formal apology...the sense of it was very annoying anyway...something like italy = pasta, lazyness and machos, or something worse: you always take advantage of somebody else...
On the TV as well, it is annoying to see that when they report some news about some crimes or people arrested for some Mafia crimes, they always put a plate full of pasta just behind the main picture, with the colours of our national flag: pasta, tomato and basil...
I felt somehow involved mostly because I had subscribed to the english newsletter of this newspaper and I found it interesting from time to time...i actually sent a mail to unsubscribe and i got the formal apology of the newspaper in ten minutes...i won´t unregister in the end...but please, Leute, please...
Otherwise what else in the next articles, Herr Achim Achilles? The French (all of them, obviously) eat just smelly cheese, the English (all of them, obviously) have no humour, the Spanish (all of them, obviously) sleep the whole afternoon...every American shoots with his gun every second minute...and the Germans...?
Bullshits once more...? No, please...
On the TV as well, it is annoying to see that when they report some news about some crimes or people arrested for some Mafia crimes, they always put a plate full of pasta just behind the main picture, with the colours of our national flag: pasta, tomato and basil...
I felt somehow involved mostly because I had subscribed to the english newsletter of this newspaper and I found it interesting from time to time...i actually sent a mail to unsubscribe and i got the formal apology of the newspaper in ten minutes...i won´t unregister in the end...but please, Leute, please...
Otherwise what else in the next articles, Herr Achim Achilles? The French (all of them, obviously) eat just smelly cheese, the English (all of them, obviously) have no humour, the Spanish (all of them, obviously) sleep the whole afternoon...every American shoots with his gun every second minute...and the Germans...?
Bullshits once more...? No, please...
Reading italian magazines
I read an article about the work of this photographer, Joel Sternfeld, only 20 minutes ago: his last work has been a research over the "Communes" in the USA: those still existing, those become museums, those fallen apart...seems interesting...have a look...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
Sunday...a day started with an annoying headache...probably because of a bad white wine drunk at three in the morning in a friend´s house the day before...this friend, this girl, is also a colleague of mine in the restaurant and she is the only person (together with my Italian friend) I can have a nice and real conversation with...she studies illustration or design...not sure how to say that in this language...it was a very nice evening...working with her first and then talking a lot in german: the whole with a lot of alcohol...so actually she talked much more than me...but it was one of the best evenings of the last two months...no flirt ( even if she is so beautiful)....just talks and new inputs...and I heard a lot of new German words too - which are now almost all forgotten...
While today I played table tennis, saw three quarters of two football matches - you are somehow compelled to do that here and it is fun by the way - and travelled a lot by car through the center of the city...imagine: eight o´clock in the evening, the sun still high enough to make you sweat, long streets, huge building and a lot of new streets that i had not seen yet...and then the river, and all the other small channels all around the city...if I have ever needed a further motivation to be here - I did not actually - this late afternoon was perfect...I even enjoyed the Doors at the radio in the car...really unglaublich...
But here we are: two in the morning, tired but unable to sleep...fortunately I am home since two hours ago...Hrabal waits for me...
A nice week to the whole of you, ungefähr...
While today I played table tennis, saw three quarters of two football matches - you are somehow compelled to do that here and it is fun by the way - and travelled a lot by car through the center of the city...imagine: eight o´clock in the evening, the sun still high enough to make you sweat, long streets, huge building and a lot of new streets that i had not seen yet...and then the river, and all the other small channels all around the city...if I have ever needed a further motivation to be here - I did not actually - this late afternoon was perfect...I even enjoyed the Doors at the radio in the car...really unglaublich...
But here we are: two in the morning, tired but unable to sleep...fortunately I am home since two hours ago...Hrabal waits for me...
A nice week to the whole of you, ungefähr...
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Ana and Bojana left today...the days went fast and i was really busy, actually...it is such a great pleasure to see that some friends you were deeply in touch with a long time before, are still persons with whom you can talk about anything...and it is a wonderful feeling too...hodne stesty!
the language is a problem for sure, I am not an idiot, but should we consider that the people who do not speak our own language should be put in some second-class cathegory friends or lovers or whatever they could be for us...of course not, damned...
...but i know that you said that just to hide yourself once more behind the truth - if you ever were sure of something, poor naive human being...I guess you were, so it is definitely worse...
I guess children are much more used to misunderstandings...it could be even said that till a certain age they learn also - mostly would be too much and unfair too - through mistakes...probably we learn through mistakes and new tries, changes and developments...the whole life...i guess I repeat myself...yeah in this period my developments are small, few ans slow...but i am on the move...
just finished the Cement Garden by McEwan, while the Daydreamer was ended four days ago...the first is definitely better than the second...but still they are both good enough to be read...
the language is a problem for sure, I am not an idiot, but should we consider that the people who do not speak our own language should be put in some second-class cathegory friends or lovers or whatever they could be for us...of course not, damned...
...but i know that you said that just to hide yourself once more behind the truth - if you ever were sure of something, poor naive human being...I guess you were, so it is definitely worse...
I guess children are much more used to misunderstandings...it could be even said that till a certain age they learn also - mostly would be too much and unfair too - through mistakes...probably we learn through mistakes and new tries, changes and developments...the whole life...i guess I repeat myself...yeah in this period my developments are small, few ans slow...but i am on the move...
just finished the Cement Garden by McEwan, while the Daydreamer was ended four days ago...the first is definitely better than the second...but still they are both good enough to be read...
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
When the cliché gets temporarly smaller
Germany has just won against Ecuador (come on, Ecuador...) but I can hear from this internet point all these cars travelling and making noise as if all the girls of Berlin got married, all at the same time this afternoon...
In these last days the Argentinian players and some people from the staff complained of the German weather during this World Championship: too hot, they say...(maybe all the players of Argentina come from Patagonia this time...but I doubt about it)...Brasil turned to play a very European and unjoyful soccer, while Germany, very often considered a team who defends most of the time, showed an offensive attitude (not a lot of techinque but a will to play this way)...just few examples to say that this WM, if ever has it some positive effects, made some people think about the people of some other countries under a different view...
I was talking (in German, darling...)with a man yesterday about this kind of clichés and prejudices that surrounds and fills so many conversations between foreign people: somebody over here was surprised that many Turks are actually cheering up for Germany everythime the team plays...this man rightly stated that it is more a question of integration of these people in this country...at a very superficial level, for sure, but still it is something...and this is the point...
The thing is how much of this positive input will last longer than July, the 9th...probably not that much...the surrounding environment of this Championship could be easily described with three words: beer, money and sex for money...which taken all together, with football, do not give so much hope for a positive development...I guess...
This crazy hot month in here should be forgotten for its soccerish feature and remembered for the possibilities it gave to people to be more curious about what surrounds them...a sort of starting point to be suddenly forgotten, then...
But it won´t be like that...
There is nothing wrong when every kid wants to play soccer, obviously, but it is kind of sad to see that so many of these kids just want to do that...
In my new school there is a guy from Iceland who is actually able to talk and to think only about soccer and soccer players....he is like some other thousands people I saw in these days...
When a player like Ballack - a sort of new Odino for German people but a very depressing football player - gets 178000 € a week, there is definitely something wrong...and since this is not the first World Championships, things are not gonna change for the best...they will talk about his money and his new girlfriend afterwards for sure...and we will go back to the usual superficial conversation that we daily experience...
In these last days the Argentinian players and some people from the staff complained of the German weather during this World Championship: too hot, they say...(maybe all the players of Argentina come from Patagonia this time...but I doubt about it)...Brasil turned to play a very European and unjoyful soccer, while Germany, very often considered a team who defends most of the time, showed an offensive attitude (not a lot of techinque but a will to play this way)...just few examples to say that this WM, if ever has it some positive effects, made some people think about the people of some other countries under a different view...
I was talking (in German, darling...)with a man yesterday about this kind of clichés and prejudices that surrounds and fills so many conversations between foreign people: somebody over here was surprised that many Turks are actually cheering up for Germany everythime the team plays...this man rightly stated that it is more a question of integration of these people in this country...at a very superficial level, for sure, but still it is something...and this is the point...
The thing is how much of this positive input will last longer than July, the 9th...probably not that much...the surrounding environment of this Championship could be easily described with three words: beer, money and sex for money...which taken all together, with football, do not give so much hope for a positive development...I guess...
This crazy hot month in here should be forgotten for its soccerish feature and remembered for the possibilities it gave to people to be more curious about what surrounds them...a sort of starting point to be suddenly forgotten, then...
But it won´t be like that...
There is nothing wrong when every kid wants to play soccer, obviously, but it is kind of sad to see that so many of these kids just want to do that...
In my new school there is a guy from Iceland who is actually able to talk and to think only about soccer and soccer players....he is like some other thousands people I saw in these days...
When a player like Ballack - a sort of new Odino for German people but a very depressing football player - gets 178000 € a week, there is definitely something wrong...and since this is not the first World Championships, things are not gonna change for the best...they will talk about his money and his new girlfriend afterwards for sure...and we will go back to the usual superficial conversation that we daily experience...
Only three this time...
Lali Puna: Faking the Books (side A mostly);
Band of Horses: Everything all the time;
Townes Van Zandt: Townes Van Zandt (1969!);
Band of Horses: Everything all the time;
Townes Van Zandt: Townes Van Zandt (1969!);
Monday, June 19, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Question
If I went to Greece in September, who would like to come with me?
Books, Olives, Feta, Ouzo or any kind of alcohol stronger than 10%, fish, sea and backgammon.
Otherwise Sardiny: in September for an unknown (to me) reason, the water gets warmer than any other period of the summer: the main difference would be that you have to forget about Feta and Ouzo, but at the same time you would enjoy Bottarga, Pecorino and the wildest region of Italy...
Books, Olives, Feta, Ouzo or any kind of alcohol stronger than 10%, fish, sea and backgammon.
Otherwise Sardiny: in September for an unknown (to me) reason, the water gets warmer than any other period of the summer: the main difference would be that you have to forget about Feta and Ouzo, but at the same time you would enjoy Bottarga, Pecorino and the wildest region of Italy...
Saturday, June 17, 2006
17th June: three months in here
So another month went by...I had planned to party both for this reason and for another one...but things changed and my party turned into a stupid and expectable three-words-and-a-half SMS...in the end I am going to work, watching people watching Italy playing against USA...
Ana, Bojana and Bojana´s boyfriend are here in Berlin since the day before yesterday...so far it is a pity I am too busy to spend some time with them but fortunately they are gonna stay here till next thursday...
I just want this day to end as fast as possible...I recently have this will very often .
Ana, Bojana and Bojana´s boyfriend are here in Berlin since the day before yesterday...so far it is a pity I am too busy to spend some time with them but fortunately they are gonna stay here till next thursday...
I just want this day to end as fast as possible...I recently have this will very often .
Friday, June 16, 2006
Flied Lies
When there were only Italian people with German knowledge, telling me that my German was emproving kind of fast, I could easily disagree and think that they had a bias (but you need somebody who pushes you forward, no...?)...when a Romanian taxi driver, more than tipsy, told me the same once, at three in the morning, on his ´80s Mercedes, I did not find him convincing (but he is my favourite taxi driver anyway so far); when a client, a young doctor (man, unfortunately) flirted with me at the restaurant and stated my German is veeeeery good, considering that only 6 weeks were gone by, I could definitely get the trick...
But when I go to a new language school - this time paid by the EU - and I am placed in the second level, I finally get some satisfaction for my self; at the same time a tiny rage scratches my stomach...all these language problems are B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T-S, as far as people can also do some other things together, not just talk or debate over the new balance of power among the states in the Far-East Asia...and last but not least, everybody is able to learn and emprove: that is the mos important difference (my personal opinion) between human beings and mosquitos or any other living creature: we are able to learn the whole fucking life...
But when I go to a new language school - this time paid by the EU - and I am placed in the second level, I finally get some satisfaction for my self; at the same time a tiny rage scratches my stomach...all these language problems are B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T-S, as far as people can also do some other things together, not just talk or debate over the new balance of power among the states in the Far-East Asia...and last but not least, everybody is able to learn and emprove: that is the mos important difference (my personal opinion) between human beings and mosquitos or any other living creature: we are able to learn the whole fucking life...
A rich volunteer
I started my project today...the hottest day of this soccerish - new word? - Berlin summer...I start to mix up German and English words...
My relatives gave me some money, my parents as well...I work a lot - too much perhaps, but it is the only way I found (together with reading) to stop thinking about the same things - so I got a lot a lot of money in the last week...and I spent 140 € in books as well...
I have never been so tired since ages, never been so empty as well...but that is good, I feel like I want to feel myself with something new and I am sure this something is just behind the corner of this amazing town...
Th eonly complication is that my stomach is so fucked up...a good summary of the reason why it is so is this amazing song by Morrissey: it is in the last album - which actually was in one of my top-fives. Listen to it and get the lyrics here please.
A nice weekend to you all. guys, and to the volunteers of this world as well...
My relatives gave me some money, my parents as well...I work a lot - too much perhaps, but it is the only way I found (together with reading) to stop thinking about the same things - so I got a lot a lot of money in the last week...and I spent 140 € in books as well...
I have never been so tired since ages, never been so empty as well...but that is good, I feel like I want to feel myself with something new and I am sure this something is just behind the corner of this amazing town...
Th eonly complication is that my stomach is so fucked up...a good summary of the reason why it is so is this amazing song by Morrissey: it is in the last album - which actually was in one of my top-fives. Listen to it and get the lyrics here please.
A nice weekend to you all. guys, and to the volunteers of this world as well...
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Germany won...Spain as well...
Yesterday, before a match, the Southern Korean National Anthem was played twice: both for Southern Korea and for Togo...
German people have some difficulties to party even when their beloved national team unfairly wins...but since they have problems to realize both that misbehaving is not an act to be proud of, and that the important thigs are those you say, not those you hide, it is not such a big news...
Already read another book by Cormac McCarthy, one by Mc Ewan almost finished...
I should start a top five of the books....
Yesterday, before a match, the Southern Korean National Anthem was played twice: both for Southern Korea and for Togo...
German people have some difficulties to party even when their beloved national team unfairly wins...but since they have problems to realize both that misbehaving is not an act to be proud of, and that the important thigs are those you say, not those you hide, it is not such a big news...
Already read another book by Cormac McCarthy, one by Mc Ewan almost finished...
I should start a top five of the books....
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Please, my few bloggers, tell me if you think I am acting out as a desperate dude in my posts recently...
For those who miss the point: Meaning of acting out
For those who miss the point: Meaning of acting out
Monday, June 12, 2006
Three times in half a day:
"Hey, what's up?"
"Hey, I am fine, kind of tired though, but fine and you?"
"Good, thanks. Nice to know that you are doing all right...but you are sooooo slim. What happened?!!"
Annoying...the answer should be: "Nothing...", but actually something should have happened, no...?
Annoying the question as well....
"Hey, I am fine, kind of tired though, but fine and you?"
"Good, thanks. Nice to know that you are doing all right...but you are sooooo slim. What happened?!!"
Annoying...the answer should be: "Nothing...", but actually something should have happened, no...?
Annoying the question as well....
Almost time to pack
I leave tomorrow...these two days run very fast...and I could sleep a bit more than before...the thing is that the tiredness is just coming out, no way to get rid of it.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Tourist in Venice...
I have been here almost two days and I have the feeling I am a tourist...somehow...
No...that is not the point: the point is I can't stand this place too long for three different reason:
1.I am not seventy years old, with a ridicolous pension;
2.I am attracted by other destinations;
3.Even this place reminds me of something so beautiful and so intense that I think I need a new New Year's Eve to drop the memories away...
This would be probably called a morbid way of thinking: I could agree with that...
No...that is not the point: the point is I can't stand this place too long for three different reason:
1.I am not seventy years old, with a ridicolous pension;
2.I am attracted by other destinations;
3.Even this place reminds me of something so beautiful and so intense that I think I need a new New Year's Eve to drop the memories away...
This would be probably called a morbid way of thinking: I could agree with that...
Saturday, June 10, 2006
In Venice....
I am back home...meeting people...a good friend will be father soon: a good piece of news!
I have a lot to post, but no time right now...
Take care you all...
I have a lot to post, but no time right now...
Take care you all...
Friday, June 09, 2006
No newspapers today...just looking up pages on the web...
Thursday, June 08, 2006
One hour and almost fourty minutes of sleep: I am not emproving...a shower...a tea...a walk and a coffee...kids going to school (there are even those older kids who are the traffic controllers in front of the entrance: orange jackets and red stick in their hands...), sleepy and silent clients of a coffee-bar...The Air on air...my book...
I probably look more obliterated now than if I had a big hangover: and I have athe feeling I look like a disturbed dude walking on the streets...but I feel productive...I also fear I´ll get sick soon...maybe when I´ll be back in Venice in two days...that would be fucking annoying...
I probably look more obliterated now than if I had a big hangover: and I have athe feeling I look like a disturbed dude walking on the streets...but I feel productive...I also fear I´ll get sick soon...maybe when I´ll be back in Venice in two days...that would be fucking annoying...
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Stupid song...but it sticks in my mind since a week...
Mia – Tanz der Moleküle
Ich bin hier, weil ich hier hin gehör'
Von Kopf bis Fuß bin ich verliebt
Du bist mutig weil du mir Treue schwörst
Zwischen all den schönen Souvenirs
Sprich mich an,
in dem Takt,
der dieses Lied zu unser'm Hit macht
Brich den Beat,
mit Gefühl.
Du bist so schön weil du lachst
Mein Herz tanzt
Und jedes Molekül bewegt sich
Glaubst du wie ich daran,
Dass alles gut sein kann,
Solange wir zusammen sind?
Brich das Eis,
mit dem Schritt,
Der jedes Atmen zum Wagnis macht.
Halt mich fest,
mit Gefühl.
Es ist so schön wenn du lachst.
Mein Herz tanzt
und jedes Molekül bewegt sich
Mein Herz tanzt
und jedes Molekül bewegt sich
Und jedes Positron entlädt sich
Mein Herz tanzt
und jedes Molekül bewegt sich
und mein Herz tanzt
und jede Faser biegt und dreht sich
Mein Herz tanzt,
und mein Herz tanzt,
Mein Herz tanzt.
Du, mein Herz...
Ich bin hier, weil ich hier hin gehör'
Von Kopf bis Fuß bin ich verliebt
Du bist mutig weil du mir Treue schwörst
Zwischen all den schönen Souvenirs
Sprich mich an,
in dem Takt,
der dieses Lied zu unser'm Hit macht
Brich den Beat,
mit Gefühl.
Du bist so schön weil du lachst
Mein Herz tanzt
Und jedes Molekül bewegt sich
Glaubst du wie ich daran,
Dass alles gut sein kann,
Solange wir zusammen sind?
Brich das Eis,
mit dem Schritt,
Der jedes Atmen zum Wagnis macht.
Halt mich fest,
mit Gefühl.
Es ist so schön wenn du lachst.
Mein Herz tanzt
und jedes Molekül bewegt sich
Mein Herz tanzt
und jedes Molekül bewegt sich
Und jedes Positron entlädt sich
Mein Herz tanzt
und jedes Molekül bewegt sich
und mein Herz tanzt
und jede Faser biegt und dreht sich
Mein Herz tanzt,
und mein Herz tanzt,
Mein Herz tanzt.
Du, mein Herz...
Early enough to be already tired
Maybe because of some astronomical interactions, maybe because the bed is too big and I definitely became too thin - where are you...... - maybe because I had slept long enough, probably because of a very annoying dream, anyway, guys, I woke up at half past six this morning...nice...but not so good when if you start sleeping after half past two...fortunately today the sun shines, the bycicles returned to be the favourite mean of transportation in here, while the WM is not started yet...
I think it was the first time since ages that I was walking in the streets so early in the morning, but not on the way home...it seems that my neighbourhood hosts many students: it is indeed almost impossible to find a nice coffee-shop open before nine ´clock in the morning...
I had a view at the menu of this place which finally opened, and I ordered the English breakfast: the worst decision ever, probably...my stomach is even more pissed since two hours ago...
But fortunately the sun conquered my body sitting on the chair, bit by bit and it finally caressed my cheeks and kissed my eyes...I read for two hours probably...
Thanks to a couple of friends I have over here, I discovered this American author, Cormac McCarthy...I would have never imagined that I could enjoy so much this kind of literature...but it happened: I read the first book by him - the last he wrote, I guess - in one night...and I am already inside the story of the second...
His harsh style, his morbid and violent descriptions of the landscape, together with his ability to fill short dialogues with stimulating ideas conquered me...and the plot of the first novel was definitely catching...The Cohen Brothers are going to make a movie out of it...I am looking forward to that...
Ill get a coke now, maybe it helps...
Have a nice day you all...tschüssi...
I think it was the first time since ages that I was walking in the streets so early in the morning, but not on the way home...it seems that my neighbourhood hosts many students: it is indeed almost impossible to find a nice coffee-shop open before nine ´clock in the morning...
I had a view at the menu of this place which finally opened, and I ordered the English breakfast: the worst decision ever, probably...my stomach is even more pissed since two hours ago...
But fortunately the sun conquered my body sitting on the chair, bit by bit and it finally caressed my cheeks and kissed my eyes...I read for two hours probably...
Thanks to a couple of friends I have over here, I discovered this American author, Cormac McCarthy...I would have never imagined that I could enjoy so much this kind of literature...but it happened: I read the first book by him - the last he wrote, I guess - in one night...and I am already inside the story of the second...
His harsh style, his morbid and violent descriptions of the landscape, together with his ability to fill short dialogues with stimulating ideas conquered me...and the plot of the first novel was definitely catching...The Cohen Brothers are going to make a movie out of it...I am looking forward to that...
Ill get a coke now, maybe it helps...
Have a nice day you all...tschüssi...
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
The book I began last night and ended early this morning
Stories are handed down and the thuth is cheated. As the common sense says. And probably there is somebody who thinks that this means that the thruth is not strong enough. But he is wrong. From my point of view, after all the lies are told and forgotten, the truth still stands there. It goes nowhere and does not change in a moment. It cannot be corrupted, as much as you cannot salt the salt. It cannot be corrupted because it is what it is. It is the thing we are talking about. I heard somebody who compared it to a rock - maybe in the Bible - and I would agree with that. But the truth will stay here when the rock won´t. I am sure that somebody would not agree with this idea. A lot of people, actually. But I have never managed to understand what these people believe in.
Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men, p. 100.
Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men, p. 100.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Sunday
Today there is the festival of cultures in the big street just behind my house (it means parades and music, beers and caipi to go ...)...it also means I woke up because of the noise of the people: the street is packed so they walk through mine for a shortcut...not such a big deal though...but I fell asleep at eight in the morning so I needed some more hours of sleep probably...and I have to work...
I escaped from the my neighbourhood, I fought in the first metro I took, over-crowded because of the festival...
But in the second one, I found my seat...It is around 5 in the afternoon...my stomach reminded me we had no food since the day before (it actually started some forms of protest since few days ago...I guess that if I do not change, he will strike for a day at least)...so I told him we were on the way to have some food...
So I was thinking about this, about the shitty day and the thoughts as usual when a girl, twenty years old probably looked at me...she had a very original way of dressing, she probably reminded me a sweet rabbit - you know the two big teeth coming out of the upper lip...and big good eyes...the metro is travelling and she gets straight my direction, she has a camera who looks like a marine rifle...she sits in front of me and asks in German: "I want to take pictures of you. I study photography and blah blah.."
I said that it was OK for me, I had no force to say no and no reason as well, probably... but the funny thing is that she said: "Please, I want you as you were two minutes before". To me it meant: "Hey, please look desperate again..."
Its been the second time somebody asked me for portraits...the first time I was in a pub and this man wanted me to shoot two self portraits...a month ago probably...this guy lives out of his job...
Seems like my sadness is a charming subject for photographers...
I wonder how the picture look like...Ill never know...but I am getting used to these ignorance about things I would like to know...
So it seems this language gap is a bigger problem than I expected...not just for me...but for some people who read the last posts...Ill think about it and Ill make up my own version soon, hopefully...
I escaped from the my neighbourhood, I fought in the first metro I took, over-crowded because of the festival...
But in the second one, I found my seat...It is around 5 in the afternoon...my stomach reminded me we had no food since the day before (it actually started some forms of protest since few days ago...I guess that if I do not change, he will strike for a day at least)...so I told him we were on the way to have some food...
So I was thinking about this, about the shitty day and the thoughts as usual when a girl, twenty years old probably looked at me...she had a very original way of dressing, she probably reminded me a sweet rabbit - you know the two big teeth coming out of the upper lip...and big good eyes...the metro is travelling and she gets straight my direction, she has a camera who looks like a marine rifle...she sits in front of me and asks in German: "I want to take pictures of you. I study photography and blah blah.."
I said that it was OK for me, I had no force to say no and no reason as well, probably... but the funny thing is that she said: "Please, I want you as you were two minutes before". To me it meant: "Hey, please look desperate again..."
Its been the second time somebody asked me for portraits...the first time I was in a pub and this man wanted me to shoot two self portraits...a month ago probably...this guy lives out of his job...
Seems like my sadness is a charming subject for photographers...
I wonder how the picture look like...Ill never know...but I am getting used to these ignorance about things I would like to know...
So it seems this language gap is a bigger problem than I expected...not just for me...but for some people who read the last posts...Ill think about it and Ill make up my own version soon, hopefully...
Friday, June 02, 2006
No Netherlands...
I had planned to go to the Netherlands this week-end but in the end some complications arose...my job for example...Ill be working from today to tuesday every night...and since monday is another National Holyday, sunday evening will probably be another of those supercrowded days...but it is fun somehow...and it keeps me busy...
A nice week-end to all of you guys...
A nice week-end to all of you guys...
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Abstinence crisis
I am wordless...I meet with people and I can stand a conversation, the people I talk with laugh and enjoy my stories...but there is no way for me to enjoy theirs...mine are about the past...and all of them are as informations...there is nothing personal in them...it is like talking about the tv shows or the latest sport results...
My very life started to be totally separated from the life I tell to people...yes becomes "I do not know" and the inner wishes I have are closed between me and my stubborness...but in the end everyday I am so tired, already in the morning I am so fucking done with the day...
life´s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
These word are at least five hundred years old...I know them by heart because my teacher of English Literature was, is, a marveillous person...and because Shakespeare is one of the few things this humanity should not throw away...ever...
...I find no peace with me...I feel too far away from the actual reality...I am not living in a confident way in this world...I feel twice a stranger here...and I would probably feel twice a stranger anywhere else...
it seems like people get the easiest way for a temporary pleasure...they know -or they could know if the thought about it - this pleasure will be full of troubles, side effects, complications and probably hurting as well (for them and for the people around them), but they do not want to get through unpleasant conversations, annoying situations (After all, they would look as small problems)...problems are forbidden, problems annoy this world, come on, why do you pose a problem...come on, jerk, take it easy...
...even if complications are sure, they are forbidden...if they come tomorrow, nobody gives a fuck...today is today, they think...and they have already forgotten about yesterday...
But tomorrow you are yourself, still...and you have to cope with yourself...the thing is that I feel I try to do it and I do not like myself when I do it, every single damned morning...
I always thought that the following sentence is an axiom for my personality: if you are not in peace wih yourself, you can´t be in peace with anybody
It is egoistic as much as this way of behaving I described few lines above, for sure...but at least there is right there, clear and written in big letters, this need for truth and understanding...
And obviously I thought I could totally explain myself with few persons, those I loved - in different ways, obviously, but still that was the point...
I am powerless because I failed so many times already that I have no wish to do that anylonger, probably...Ill keep the few I have and Ill try to find out the mistakes I made - for sure I did! - in order to change this point of view...
So, you see, I am still positive...I think about developments but since I do not see a lot of them, I am so scared of the final results...being positive is such a superficial idea, such a common assessment, such an empty word...I like better when people are crazy from the very beginning...but people, on the average, just drive you crazy for a while and then they throw you on the ground...like drugs...exactly the same...
This world will be fucked up by drugs...I drink a lot, sure...this post is probably a good example, unbedingt...but I am not addicted to that...probably.
....my personal drug has Name and Surname...but there is no dealer...just some other clients
it seems like I get the easiest way for lasting hurts...
My very life started to be totally separated from the life I tell to people...yes becomes "I do not know" and the inner wishes I have are closed between me and my stubborness...but in the end everyday I am so tired, already in the morning I am so fucking done with the day...
life´s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
These word are at least five hundred years old...I know them by heart because my teacher of English Literature was, is, a marveillous person...and because Shakespeare is one of the few things this humanity should not throw away...ever...
...I find no peace with me...I feel too far away from the actual reality...I am not living in a confident way in this world...I feel twice a stranger here...and I would probably feel twice a stranger anywhere else...
it seems like people get the easiest way for a temporary pleasure...they know -or they could know if the thought about it - this pleasure will be full of troubles, side effects, complications and probably hurting as well (for them and for the people around them), but they do not want to get through unpleasant conversations, annoying situations (After all, they would look as small problems)...problems are forbidden, problems annoy this world, come on, why do you pose a problem...come on, jerk, take it easy...
...even if complications are sure, they are forbidden...if they come tomorrow, nobody gives a fuck...today is today, they think...and they have already forgotten about yesterday...
But tomorrow you are yourself, still...and you have to cope with yourself...the thing is that I feel I try to do it and I do not like myself when I do it, every single damned morning...
I always thought that the following sentence is an axiom for my personality: if you are not in peace wih yourself, you can´t be in peace with anybody
It is egoistic as much as this way of behaving I described few lines above, for sure...but at least there is right there, clear and written in big letters, this need for truth and understanding...
And obviously I thought I could totally explain myself with few persons, those I loved - in different ways, obviously, but still that was the point...
I am powerless because I failed so many times already that I have no wish to do that anylonger, probably...Ill keep the few I have and Ill try to find out the mistakes I made - for sure I did! - in order to change this point of view...
So, you see, I am still positive...I think about developments but since I do not see a lot of them, I am so scared of the final results...being positive is such a superficial idea, such a common assessment, such an empty word...I like better when people are crazy from the very beginning...but people, on the average, just drive you crazy for a while and then they throw you on the ground...like drugs...exactly the same...
This world will be fucked up by drugs...I drink a lot, sure...this post is probably a good example, unbedingt...but I am not addicted to that...probably.
....my personal drug has Name and Surname...but there is no dealer...just some other clients
it seems like I get the easiest way for lasting hurts...
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