Atonement

This is the title of the most wonderful book I read in the last year...it would easily be in the top five of all times if I ever did it...but I am probably too focused on some other matters to be very clear about that...I could make the chart of the biggest disappointments ever had though, but that would imply names and situations....and the net, though ridicolously wide and open, would be too narrow even for my need to speak clear anyway...I already feel emprisoned so even these 6 billions web pages - maybe more? - sound not safe to me yet...
Why this word then? Atonement...
It sounds very meaningful to me, first of all: there is connection with duties or mistakes/mis-evaluations you have done and that still have to be overtaken: it is somehow connected with the idea of self emprovement and development of yourself...
I think I have to cope with such a condition for the next future...in economical terms, if I was a common and cold bank officer, the situation could be defined as a market failure...you offer too much of something and you don´t realize there is no fucking demand of it...the market breaks up...no market...kaput...
The demand over here, apparently, is actually limited to one stand nights and promises that will be never fullfilled...I tried it and I could have often if I wanted...but this time at least I choose: I put myself in a market failure...cannot fullfill any demand...sorry...á l´allemande...
Being blindly sure that time (going by) is the thing, turned to be both the reason and the possible solution of my actual condition...it´s confusing, no? From now on either I change the premises of my way of interacting with people or I follow a dangerous and steep way to instant flashes of salvation of I choos a black and white evaluating system...
There are usually much more difficulties to be understood than we think, no? And the subtle and apparently peripherical aspects of a situation turn to be the focus of the whole in the end...this struggle between hopes and reality, between the main thing and the other bullshits all around it, is nowadays wildly shouting inside of me: you feel stupid because you missed some inputs and, at the same time, you over-evaluated some others; briefly: a mistake after the other...no way to find something deep or sure enough to keep all the pieces together...so far...
But I´d give the half of myself to be sure that there is no lies sold at the market of personal interactions...I guess it is stil possible...
I believed time was the solution because I thought I was the problem: not accountable or convincing enough...in the end time just made the whole more hurting and meaningless...and tremendously silent...silence, Still, silenzio...all the time...damned...in the end I am a problem just for myself: this is my Atonement.